MuggedThe sound of body movement and heavy release of morning breath called my spirit to earth from realms far away, and my eyes popped open to investigate the source of such disturbance. As usual, it came from my eight months roomie and four year pal, who had risen to answer the call of nature.

He stepped out of our apartment to explore the morning breeze and probably engage in a little chit-chat with the maidens who forever stood helpless against his colourful eloquence. Not being his first time to take on such early hour adventure, I anticipated his return in no distant time. Strangely, his little timeout began to seem like forever, but I didn’t get curious as to what may have prolonged his return; for it certainly had to be the maidens with itchy ears craving his unending tasteful words.

Soon enough, the very loud voice of Mother Nature also yelled a call to me; a call I had resisted right from the very late hours of the previous day. Motivated by my pal’s obedience, I followed his trails, from answering to nature and then to joining him with the maidens. Eager to step back inside, I hesitated not for a second when I couldn’t find him or any of the maidens anywhere. My skin met a pleasing warmth as soon as I stepped into our apartment, and I was glad not to have spent any longer than I did outside. The door, however was left open, pending the return of my pal, as I jumped on the bed, intending to continue with my deep slumber; such that couldn’t be traded for anything. For having had my first experience in a radio studio the previous day, I was still wallowing in the fulfilment of a dream come true. And that fact played a vital role in fuelling my slumber, which would have known no end in a hurry if not for two unmasked armed guys who followed after me the moment I made to come back inside. Fortunately for them, they met and open door and walked in supposedly majestically.

“Na the guy be this” The armed guy said directing the light of a torch right to my eyes in the dark room.

“Na him” the unarmed guy affirmed.

I lifted my head and tried to identify who they were but couldn’t. Then I suspected them to be police men by reason of their utterances. I wondered, “Why in the world would the Nigerian police pay us a visit at this early hour?” This must be a case of mistaken identity, I thought. So I made to rise and challenge them with the Nigerian constitution in case it was one of their random arrest mission, probably instigated by the new administration. But my courage was termed by the last words I expected to hear in my life.

“Cover your head on that bed” the armed guy commanded, pointing a gun at me.

Still I thought it was the police trying to do the police school thing. My doubts were cleared when the armed guy asked me a very puzzling question.

“You sabi wetin be this?” he asked, showing a rusted revolver to me.

At that point it dawned that they were robbers. My heart skipped and my courage failed completely. I immediately recalled all the orders they had given to me since they got in the house and started carrying them out one by one without being asked to do so again. Then I heard the armed guy say;

“Bring all the money wey dey for this house come.”

I couldn’t say a word in case I mistakenly said the wrong thing and get such mean guys displeased. I stretched out my left arm, pointing to the trouser that had my wallet in its pocket, as I made my last confession in case they decided to taste the revolver. As they turned to see what I was pointing at, the eyes of the unarmed guy met my laptop where it was, and he immediately carried it into my laptop bag, leaving the charger behind. I could tell how unlearned they are by that singular act. As soon as they were in possession of my laptop, they lost interest in anything else, even the money they were asking for. So I quickly rose from the bed without any more fear, and tried to strike a deal with them.

“Don’t take my laptop please. Instead, let’s exchange numbers and I’ll give you a call when I have as much money as you want. Just don’t go with my laptop.” I begged.

“You say wetin?” the armed guy raged.

“I say I go give you money” I replied with all humility.

“SPIDER!” the unarmed guy called out to the armed guy who was seemingly buying my idea, and he suddenly snapped! They both left the apartment with my laptop, and all I could do was watch. When they stepped out, the armed guy slammed the door and yelled

“Close this fkg door!”

I thought I had seen and known a smooth operation when I watched the Hollywood movie; “OCEANS ELEVEN.” But as I watched those boys rob me and leave without doing any more than still me by pointing a gun at me, I was reoriented on what a smooth operation is. Peeping through the window to monitor the direction they were headed, I thought of screaming ROBBERS! ROBBERS! Perhaps that would call to the attention of the neighbours to rise and apprehend them and retrieve my items. I was commended for having not done so later on by one of the maidens who was more acquainted with the said neighbours than I was.

Not sooner than the robbers had left did the neighbours cluster around my apartment to enquire about the incident. When I was asked; what did they steal? I answered saying “my laptop” It was when I wanted to put a call across to someone that I noticed my phones were nowhere to be found. The boys had taken them as well, thereby subjecting me to loneliness, for my laptop was like my wife, and my phones were like my kids.

A short while later, my pal returned. Ignorant of the just concluded occurrence, he wondered what creative stunt I had pulled this time to draw the attention of the neighbours to our apartment. From a distance he was giving me coded thumbs up but didn’t get the usual feedback. There was sadness on everyone’s face. Whispers could be heard every here and there. Finally, he was enlightened on the incident. He never saw that coming. By this time, it was 4:18am……………………

One Year Later…

Sitting right here in front of this Laptop (My new wife), bleeding this dreadful memory on MS Word, I can only say shit happens sometimes. Certainly, after the rain comes the sun. Past activities continue in a grand style. More stories. More radio broadcasts. More scripts. More poems. More blogging. More everything! There’s no stopping me mehn. Lest I forget, my wife has borne me a set of twins (phones). Lol. Whatever instigated those buglers to mug me only succeeded in making me more creative.

Time:                Unknown

Date:                Unknown

Location:          Oklahoma City, United States Of America.

Occasion:          Movie Premier (Cash Flowing)

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